If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
