In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
