My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
