I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
