Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
