There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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