you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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