I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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