What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
