Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
