I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
