and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
