dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
