She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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