Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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