I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
