did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
