Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
