There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
