My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
