Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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