literally had 100 drinks last night.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
