Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
