So drunk its hurt
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
