I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
