so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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