Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
