battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
