FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After tacos, we're chasing women.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
