I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
A+ Viking dick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
