i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
