I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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