if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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