you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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