Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
