Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
