i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
