I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
