those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
