Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
