At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
