i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
