I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
