Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
