Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
