I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
