How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I need to calm my uterus...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
