watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
