im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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