why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
